Saturday, December 16, 2006

Just so everybody knows I'm no longer employed as I've walked away from my job. I tried it... was happy with the money but for whatever reason I felt uneasy and nervous. Now that feeling is normal and completely understandable when you first start a job. But, when it increases in intensity with each and every day that passes something is wrong.

Even on the weekends I couldn't calm down. I'd clock watch every minute of the day and count, to the second, how long I had till I had to go back to work... and When I was at this Job I'd count every second till I got to leave. This led to less sleep, less eating, and worst of all I could feel myself start to go to a very dark place again. I couldn't work there any longer and be healthy.

I've played it over a million times in my head that I can...."just go to work and collect a paycheck", "It's just a job it doesn't rule over me" , "I need the money cause I've got no financial options if I leave", blah, blah, blah........ But, this particular Job, for whatever reason, was creating a response from me that has made me stop wanting to talk to friends, going out on the weekend, writing here on my blog, and worst of all I was avoiding talking to my family, and if I did, I simply lied to them about what was going on. When I did talk to anyone I had the same answers 'Job is fine', 'It's a lot to learn', 'can't go out tonight I'm busy'.... and those were again, just lies.

I did the job fine, very well in fact, but it was making me sick (Meaning Depressed for those who don't know). I don't ever want to be sick like that again. Now this is obviously a simplified 'Readers Digest' version of what's going on with me right now, but so many of you are emailing and asking me how the job is going, I just felt it would be easier to put it here as it's mostly good friends and family who read this anyhow. So If I haven't got back to you with an email or a phone call lately, this is why... but don't be put off, please stay in touch as I won't hide from you ever again. As for what I will do right now? I'm not really sure, but I do know while I may be scared and upset about my situation, and I've worried many people with this decision, I do know that I've done the right thing for myself.

Thank you.